Let’s talk about Help.

You see someone you know struggling.

Do you offer help?

You feel stuck and need help.

Do you ask for support?

Of these potential positions in relationship to help, is there one that you feel more comfortable with?

Be honest… 

It will likely not surprise you that a large majority of people prefer to offer help than to ask for it. And recently, I have been inquiring. WHY ARE WE SO RESISTANT TO SUPPORT?? I offer help so readily and easily. For a hot minute, I thought I was the only one reluctant to ask for help.

Why do YOU have such discomfort with asking for help?

Here are answers to what real people [clients, friends, and family] said when I asked them the above question:

  • I am closer to 60 than 50 and not great at technology. When I can’t figure it out, it makes me feel dumb and honestly a bit old. Most of the people around me were practically born with a computer in their lap.  I would rather just figure things out on my own. Even if it means I watch 3 hours of YouTube videos to just set up new folders for my email.
  • I am viewed as a successful business owner in my community. If I ask for help, I will have to reveal that my business has been struggling. It feels scary and vulnerable.
  • Once, I asked a good friend for advice about my relationship. Every time after that friendly advice, they just felt free to give me tons of unsoliticited advice about areas of life that I felt were going fine. I eventually had to firmly but kindly put boundaries in place with them. It just feels easier not to open that door.
  • I most definitely prefer to offer help. I will give you an example. My neighbor shoveled our sidewalk 3 times when I was recovering from surgery and took my trash bins out to the street and back. Every time I see him, I feel guilty. I hate feeling like I owe him something, but I don’t know what. He isn’t asking for anything, but I still feel awkward about it.

What if the way you relate to asking for help or how you feel about accepting support is getting in the way of achieving your goals, shutting down your ability to be joyful, and putting roadblocks up that stop fulfillment in the areas of your life that really matter to you?

We can’t know how to do everything. We also sometimes just can’t do everything there is to do. I know sometimes it feels like we should be able to or would prefer to boss up and get er’ all done on our own. If we hold this belief, we are not setting ourselves up to win.

If you are willing, I created some journal prompts here to explore how you could change your relationship to help. My hope is that these will reveal perhaps what you haven’t seen about your resistance and perhaps help you see a new possible way.

JOURNAL PROMPTS

Time to explore what might be in the background…

  • What did you learn about asking for help in childhood?
  • Did you get rewarded for doing things on your own?
  • Who do you admire that accepts support or asks for help graciously?

Where are you at this moment…

  • What is a place in your life where you could use support/help?
  • If you got support/help in that area that felt good, what might that look like?
  • If you got support/help in that area that you know wouldn’t be helpful, what might that look like?

Time to get curious about what actions you could take…

  • Who do you trust?
  • Who do you know that is willing to help (or might have even offered support previously)?
  • Who has the skills to help in the specific way you need?

Last questions –

  • What new insight or understanding about your relationship to help arose?
  • Are there some new actions you could take?
  • Did you see new ways you could relate to help?